Like a Gold Ring in a Sow's Nose

Experience life through the eyes of two star ladies - tat, clothes, tatty clothes...and Goblin beefburgers in a tin washed down with a pint of warm flat Panda Cola.


Choose from our innovate gift ideas for the anniversary of your wedding, first meeting, first kiss, first shag, first argument - the last four examples could all be on the same day if you live in Woodside.

9 months

Kitten-in-a-basket time. Enough said. Incidentally if you thought this was bad check out what poor old Windy has to cope with...


That special first anniversary meal should contain Spam. Visit the Spam Up website (yes, really) for recipe ideas.


Rhinoplasty may be known to many as a nose job but in reality it is the fake leather they make handbags out of that art students can just about afford. I still buy 'em and very nice some of them are to. A wallet or a bag will suffice.

This is not one of the nice ones.

Back to the food again and for this anniversary you should consider going for a sandwich on the beach or in the woods, somewhere romantic. Just make sure the sandwich contains Luncheon Meat. What do you mean your anniversary is in the Winter? Do I look like I care?


MDF is the required substance for this year, you can buy some to patch up all the holes you have made around the house during the heated arguments you have had during the year.


This is Chipboard - nothing else will do but the chipboard table with long tablecloth over the top of it and a lacy type doily thing on top of that. Buy one, assemble it, take it into the garden and burn it. Please.


Celebrate a half decade by artexing the ceiling or walls and then moving house to escape the awfulness of it.


This is toilet duck. a none-too-subtle hint to your other half to pull their finger out and do some cleaning once in a while.


Acrylic nails. Give the special one in your life a kit containing superglue and pieces of plastic and get them to glue them on their fingers. Will keep them occupied for hours and out of your face.


A fleece jacket this year and if you can borrow it and return it with a fag burn in it then it will make it so much more special.


Make corned beef hash for your decade anniversary. For God's sake don't eat it!

God I feel sick looking at it

Raise a glass to eleven long years with nothing to say by getting some lager in from the offy. None of your expensive stuff neither.

Hold tight!

This is Toilet Roll - it sums up your relationship after 12 years. Necessary, not really very nice and can be flimsy.



Unlucky 13 and it will be if you stick to the traditional Ginsters anniversary and give your beloved a Cornish Pasty or other greasy flaky pastry covered fatty nightmare.


Anne Summers - who can resist the sexy lingerie sold by these shops? Just about every woman that ever lived. And you just know that whatever size you buy it aint gonna fit!


Goblin beef burgers in a tin - share them together over a candle lit dinner. Discover that you still have something in common after all these years - a hatred of these awful coaster sized gravy covered beef nightmares. You certainly won't be goblin!


Funny that


Wrigleys - the Wrigley anniversary is one in which you can chew up your partner and spit them out!


Brains faggots - coming (almost) straight off the back of the 15th anniversary meal is another shared experience of truly disgusting food that is made even worse by the manufacturer's name. It may just bring you back together after the 16th anniversary.


Cup a soup - but has to be the original stuff that doesn't end up in a coagulated mess in the bottom of your cup. Ironically made by Batchelor's.


Polyester trousers - personally speaking I think they are grand! No ironing!


Preparation H - this is for the time when you know that you will be together for the rest of your life. Shit.


Control pants - don't bother keeping fit anymore, just settle for these and sweatpants. Just give up!


Damart - when you feel the cold or when you can't afford to have the heating on (and snuggling up together is not a possibility due the combined effects of years 20 and 21)


Saga - treat yourselves to a Saga product such as a holiday or home insurance, (for when you are burgled whilst on your Saga holiday)


Grecian 2000 - given to a man will result in a laugh probably (especially if used). Given to a woman will result in splitting up.


Slippers - the emphasis must be on comfort and not the feather trimmed mule things of the 1970s. Think frumpy and then go one below that...


Ginger wine - never had this and never want to so it may be worth having a split now, you can get back together in time to celebrate the...


Tena lady (or man) - for when you know your partner far too well and are embarrassed to go outdoors with them.


Complan - you must be getting ill more often by now (like sick and tired of each other) so this will help nurse you gently back to health, or what passes for health at your time of life.


Sherry - forget how long you've been together and drink until you pass out. To be used for drowning sorrows only.


Steradent - celebrate having nice teeth again (i.e. false) with a tube of steradent. No more yellow, brown or even green teeth (Drummond take note) for you!